Dear Eric: My niece married her current husband five years ago. They have a 2-year-old child, in addition to two children from her previous marriage.
Her current husband recently “flipped out”, screaming at my niece and her kids (including that he always hated her kids) to the extent that police had to be called and a restraining order implemented. At this event, he kidnapped the 2-year-old and didn’t return him for almost a week.
This was traumatic and stressful for her and the entire extended family, as we tried to help her through by giving her money to pay her mortgage and moral support.
After filing for divorce and for full custody of their toddler, she ended up taking this man back. Now she is insisting that the extended family welcome him back to all of our family events. We (all of us) cannot sit with him and pretend nothing happened after the way he treated her and her children, and don’t want him at any family events. She is now threatening that she and the kids won’t come to any events any longer unless he is welcome, which would kill my 84-year-old father.
How can we handle this?
– Fractured Family
Dear Family: This man sounds extremely emotionally abusive and dangerous. While you can’t control your niece, you can support her and encourage her to seek out help from resources like the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (thehotline.org, 1-800-799-SAFE). She may not see her relationship as abusive, but insulting, demeaning and intimidating a partner are forms of emotional abuse. This kind of behavior can escalate quickly, as you witnessed.
It may take time for her to see her relationship for what it is. While her safety, and the safety of her children, is paramount, I understand your concern about keeping her in the fold and protecting your father’s emotional state. Having her close will also help you monitor her safety and point out things that she doesn’t need to accept from her partner.
You don’t have to give him a blanket welcome in the meantime, though. Remind her that he has amends he needs to make to the family. There was wildly inappropriate and harmful misbehavior and there were actual crimes committed. The relationship has been broken. If he wants to make things right with the family, he needs to acknowledge what he did, apologize and seek to repair what can be repaired.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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